Modern Major-General?

In 1878 W.S. Gilbert penned the words of I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General in which he poked fun at the imbalance between erudition and actual military prowess of senior officers in the late 19th century British Army. Such was the importance of a good classical education that very little time was set aside for the actual learning of tactics, and if an officer was fortunate enough not to see much action, he would quite likely be no more a military man than the ghastly Lord Sugar is a credit to the Upper House. How far away that world seems now when we see hordes of barely literate roughs tumbling through the school gates waving around their n A* A-Level grades which nevertheless aren't quite enough to get them a place reading Crayon Sharpening at Luton Reformed Poly.

Perusing my Twitter feed today, I noticed a missive from an officer of the Students' Union of King's College London - an reputable and upstanding institution - telling the world that "pulchritudinous" is a noun. That a post-graduate student at one of the UK's leading universities should not only be ignorant of the difference between a noun and an adjective, but willingly show everyone that ignorance is a good illustration of the sorry state of affairs we find ourselves in now, for along with the rest of the country, Our Education System Is Broken.

Naturally we have heard much about this over the last week - badly (or even barely) educated thugs from the more rioty end of town charging about setting fire to things is a cause for much soul-searching among the Guardianistas, but they've got it all the wrong way 'round. Why does nobody now boast about being able to write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform? Because the state education and exam system is so busy trying to make sure every ineducable basket case feels included and special that those who want to actually learn rather than merely be taught how to get an A are stymied at every turn. To prove my point, I have a challenge for you. Go and find the closest jubilant A-Level student and ask them to describe, even in the vaguest possible way, the plot of any two Shakespeare plays except Macbeth. I bet you they couldn't tell you. In fact, ask about Macbeth too. They can probably barely remember that.

Now this is not to say that British schoolchildren are stupid. Far from it - many are vastly more worldly and well-read than I am, but the opportunity is not given to them to develop, purely as a result of the tyranny of the exam boards. These monstrous institutions set the public exams, like A-Levels and GCSEs and are paid to do so by the government. What a surprise then that 98% of A-Level students passed. Education statistics looking a bit woeful? Somebody whizz 'round to OCR or Edexcel and have a word... Even worse is the fact that somehow these clowns (who, remember, cannot even get the questions right) have managed to acquire a monopoly on intelligence. The only way to get a good job now is to have the right results. Don't have three As and a 2:1? Enjoy your box, you smelly homeless person.

The contagion has even spread to our universities, and more so now that they are commercial operations. The concern for league table rankings in all parts of the education system means that nobody actually learns anything from it - they just tick the boxes their teachers tell them to.

So how to fix Britain? Easy. Burn down the exam boards and have schools set their own tests. Such education built the world's biggest empire, but now look at us. Exam boards, j'accuse!